Fucking up my GPA with summer classes is meant to help me realize I couldn’t be perfect if I tried. It’s meant to force me to deal with reality, and force me to accept that sometimes hard work doesn’t get you what you want. It’ll get you close, but not quite there.
Philosophy was meant to bring me closer to God. It was meant to help me answer my own questions on doubt. It was meant to tell me that there isn’t anyone to catch me and baby me. It’s possible He exists. Possible. Basically, don’t fuck up. Not “oh you’re great at this, why don’t you major in this and do what you love for the rest of your life and be poor but happy”….”except I’m not really sure if you’ll be happy if you’re poor.” Why couldn’t I love math? Huh, God?
The infinite possibilities of where I could go used to be the scariest thing as a kid but I guess even that’s meant to do something for me. Infinite possibilities of being amazing, infinite possibilities of absolute shit. Nothing is. Nothing simply is. Everything is if.
A big fuck you to possibility.
I think a lot about what I’ll be taking away, and what I’ll be leaving behind
If I am awake at all
And if anything is real at all
Or if everything is preordained
In a way that we think we dictate our lives but everything, outcomes, even mistakes are controlled by what is set default.
Because it seems like it that every thought, every gesture, every choice -even staying in bed all day is a choice- matters and on other days, life is one big cosmic joke.
We are made of stardust, right?
Technically everything is made of stardust.
And to think the universe is so massive and mysterious, I feel so small. Just how significant are we?
We’re like little bacteria cells inside a host we will never get to explore in our lifetimes. We swim and we rapidly reproduce and we exist simply because we were created.
I think a lot about the people that I meet in this life
my theory is that everyone you meet is everyone you have to meet in order to become you
In that case, you are you when you die
Death completes you
I need to know if it means anything at all
No, I’m not high